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Tuesday, 21 October 2008
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Untitled.
I'm not good at relationships
I always manage to find the flaws
sometimes in others
but mostly my own
I foretell the ending
then go and create the cause
save myself
and end up alone
The last time I kissed someone
my heart felt this loneliness
I didn't know if I'd ever recover
If it was already too late.
I just lay in my room
and wrestled with the emptiness
an emotion so big
it had the full force of fate.
You are not the first boy
that I have fallen for
and I know I'm not the first girl
that you'd ever choose
You are not the first boy
to have led me to longing
but you could be the first boy
I don't manage to lose.
I'm telling you this
because you've made it different now.
I'm telling you this
because you caused something to live.
back came
the feelings I would not allow
back came
my chances to give.
I'm not good at relationships
I always manage to find the flaws
sometimes in others
but mostly my own.
I foretell the ending
then go and create the cause
save myself
and end up alone.
You are not the first boy
that I have fallen for
and I know I'm not the first girl
that you'd ever choose.
You are not the first boy
to have led me to longing
but you could be the last boy
I don't manage to lose.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
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I don't want to remember, but my heart refuses to let go.
Most of the time I catch myself on here and I never know where to start off in these things. And I know it should be easy. But, I'm sitting here listening to every word in my head and just. Trying to get every thought out. I don't understand why it's so hard for me. I don't understand why everything feels so different for me. I don't even feel the same.
For the first time in I don't know, months, I got on the city bus Friday morning to go to school. I just sat there thinking for what seems like forever was really only twenty minutes. I'm looking back at the person I was over a year ago. All I can see is how I've changed so much in the last 4 months. I've even gone back to chainsmoking Marlboro Reds. Not the best news to hear, but I'll quit again soon enough.
Anyway.
I reached school and all together this strong feeling of sadness hit me. I called a friend I haven't seen in over 2 months, crossed the street and took the next bus going to Makaha Towers. I spent the day at Nanakuli. It's weird to think how I live on an island and I barely go to the beach these days and I don't get to see the people I used to be so close to. Just sitting there in the warm sand, blue ocean, salty air and all the hours I spent getting reaqcuainted with her. But even she, after all these months, knows me more than I do.
"Love, right?"
I guess it's the feeling you see in someone elses eyes when you've been in their shoes. Maybe not in the same situation. But close enough to understand where they're coming from.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this, again. But it's 5am and I haven't been sleeping lately.
Monday, 13 October 2008
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Note to self: I miss you terribly.
"You never know a good thing until it's gone".
4 months getting so attached and it took one day; one message, one person to completely break me. I can't stop questioning myself to why I can't stop thinking about him. Why I've spent all night really crying over someone I've known for barely a few months, when I've never been able to really cry over anyone. And I'm still replaying every last word of his message that ended everything. I've always told myself that I'll been able to get back up whenever I fall. But this is just so, different. I guess with everyone it's different.
I spent almost 3 months getting myself into something I've been warned from the very start wouldn't last. But, it took one other person to convince me "the things we're most afraid of are usually the ones worthwhile". And I guess that's true. Because she's the same person who taught me that I need to go through the bad to appreciate the good things in life. It hurts to say that even after what she did, I can't help but miss her.
If I hadn't learnt to take a risk, I wouldn't have known how it felt like to truly be whole. And that's everything he made me feel. Whole. Happy. Loved. And somewhere along that I felt good enough. Even if the truth of the matter is I never really was his definition of "perfect". Yet, somehow I still feel that he's the missing piece I've always needed to keep me together and I loved him. With every part of me. And I gave myself whole heartedly. I still love him. And I'll always love him. No matter what we've been through. No matter how much has changed between us that's the one thing that will never changed.
It's hurts to say that I really, truly miss him. I miss everything we used to have; even before we had started dating. I miss being best friends. I miss everything about summer when we used to talk all day and all night. Everyday. When we used to joke about everything. And he needed me. Even if he felt like I never needed him back. But honestly. I wouldn't have stuck around so long if I never needed him. I always have. Even if I couldn't be open with everything. He always gave me that feeling of comfort of just being there. And I've never had with anyone else.
There's so much more that I want to say. But there's too much going on in my mind to figure out any other way to construct my thoughts into words. I guess my whole point in this is that I can't help but wonder if maybe he feels just as miserable as I do. If he's just as broken as I am. And maybe. Just maybe. He misses me the same way I miss him too.
Friday, 10 October 2008
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Let me tell you about myself.
I hide behind a mask of different emotions. It isn't easy to tell how I really am. Then again, behind a computer screen no one would ever know how I really feel. The way I act, think, and feel depends on my surroundings. I'm never the same. And I'm always changing. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.
I have hopes and ambitions to become someone. But I don't know what I want to do with my life. My plans continue to change when I'm given more options. I'm never decided. I just want to make it somewhere giving all that I can because I'm not perfect. Nor will I ever be. I only do up to the most I'm capable of. Lately it doesn't seem like enough anyone. There's always someone expecting more out of me than I can give.
I wish I could say that life with me is an easy ride. But I'm a lot to handle. I'm short tempered and I get annoyed easily. I lack patience with most and I'll argue with anyone until I get my point across. I probably don't show that I care enough anymore. It doesn't mean that I'm not willing to put up with anything or anyone. I'm just afraid that I'll end up losing everything that means the most to me. And I'm not sure if I could ever handle that.
I'm pretty much convinced that only two people are able to put up with me daily. I don't break promises and I keep secrets. I won't sugarcoat anything for anyone. I keep it real, even if the truth hurts. I have blue eyes, brown hair, and apparently a nice ass. I'm not even kidding when I say I'm tiny; just about 5'2". I cuss more than any girl I know, and I come off rude more than half the time. But I'm so sweet it'll make you vomit. I'm clumsy like any other girl around a cute guy. I get nervous and to be honest, I am shy in person until I feel comfortable enough to be a loudmouth, smartass, drama queen. Plus, I complain a lot. So shoot me. I'm a girl. I go through that monthly emotional cycle and I'll probably talk to anyone about it.
No one's ever come close to knowing who I really am. I don't even know who I am.
But one thing I've never been more sure of is that I'm completely in love with the most amazing person I've ever met, and honestly, no one else could even begin to compare.
Thursday, 09 October 2008
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The Realm of Possibility.
Most of the blogs I post here always come out private. Haaa.
Anyway.
"Here's what I know about the realm of possibility-
it is always expanding, it is never what you think
it is. Everything around us once deemed
impossible. From airplane overhead to
the phones in our pocket to the choir girl
putting her arm around the metalhead.
As hard as it is for us to see sometimes, we all exist
within the realm of possibility. Most of the limits
are of our world's devising. And yet, every day we each do so many things
that were once impossible to us."
I need another new day.
Another new book.
And a sure thing.
I guess I'm just tired, again.
There really is no point in this.
I just have a lot going on in my mind and I can't make it out into words.
LINZILLLLLA
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- Name: Lindsey
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 9/11/2008
